Theo IS America's Next Top Model

Baby, It's Cold Outside (or at least it should be by now)

2006-11-29T02:45:00.000-05:00

Theo handled the Nanette Lepore assignment so masterfully that we agreed it was time to once again step to the upper limits of my wardrobe. Fortunately, a freaky Friday incident occurred to me in September, wherein I was possessed by someone who finds it acceptable to drop over $600 for a cashmere blend long black winter coat with no hood, but a funky collar and leather detailing on the pockets in addition to a completely hideous and unusable ginormous leather belt. Can a stuffed polar bear parlay his natural winter smarts into a chic look with sass? Of course he can! Even Janice Dickinson would be hard pressed to find fault. His little blue knit scarf with red fringe is even the perfect accessory for once. Theo’s look says, “Go ahead Mother Nature! Bring the winter on!”

Stepping Out with Nanette Lepore

2006-11-20T13:42:00.000-05:00

One of the limits of breaking into modeling using my wardrobe exclusively is that there are not many opportunities for a stuffed bear to strut his stuff in designer ("couture") clothing. I am but a simple woman who bristles at paying more than $20 for a pair of jeans, which is the price that I determined was reasonable when I was in 8th grade. (Yes, that was quite some time ago.)

However, I recently had the misfortune of becoming obsessed with a fancy designer, Nanette Lepore, who seems to specialize in really cute outfits for women who lack torsos. This, my friends, is why eBay exists. Through the miracle of online bidding, I was able to obtain a stunning black and turquoise Nanette Lepore dress to wear to my brother-in-law’s engagement party a few weeks back. While I paid a bit more than I really wanted to ($154) and then for no discernable reason the dress was too big and I had to practically sell my plasma to pay to alter it so that I did not look like I was wearing a garbage sack with turquoise embroidery, it gives Theo a chance to do some couture modeling. (Remember, this is about Theo’s modeling career, not me.) Taking the leap from his previous modeling assignment (low quality underwear) to this high fashion frock would be daunting for most amateur stuffed bear models. Theo, however, once again steps up to the challenge. I believe that he looks very regal in it, and yet maintains that elusive haughty air about him that one should cultivate if one is wearing a silk couture dress that supposedly retailed for $495 at Nordstrom’s. Beautifully done!

Lowering One's Standards

2006-11-14T09:49:00.000-05:00

Sometimes being a model is not glamorous. Sometimes it is drudge work to just make ends meet. Underwear models, for example, do not all work for Victoria's Secret. Most, in fact, make their living doing mundane work for the Sears catalogue or JC Penny. Theo had to learn to humble himself before he could take on new, more exciting assignments. He needed to be broken.

In this first shot, Theo models my Hanes hipster cotton underwear. They were purchased in a four pack for under $6.00, coming out to a reasonable $1.50 or so per pair. Let's face it: they are a nice cut, but who the fuck thought that pattern was a good idea? These are for commoners like me.In the second shot, Theo illustrates what happens when companies have no quality controls. Supposedly the pair is the same size as the ones Theo models above, yet it is obvious that these are a might larger. The pattern is slightly less disturbing, although reminiscent of op art from the 1960s. I'm not sure anyone wants that on her ass.Although Theo indicated his displeasure to his agent (me) as he was dressed for this assignment, he was thoroughly professional with the photographer (also me). He gave me the best demur, innocent "I'm wearing cotton panties" look that a stuffed bear can muster. I am very proud of him, and think it demonstrates that he is ready to move into some designer modeling.

Taking Precautions

2006-09-06T01:00:00.000-04:00

In the latest media circus surrounding the murder of child beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey, many people have returned to blaming Patsey Ramsey, her mother, for her murder. These people charge that by tarting up young JonBenet and allowing her to strut about, she attracted the attention of a vicious child molester/murderer. Personally, Theo and I hate beauty pageants (which are different from modeling contests), but we find it repugnant to blame Patsy Ramsey for JonBenet's death.

However, thinking about the situation has led me to worry that this site could fall into the hands of a predator plushie (a person who fucks stuffed animals), and thus put Theo in harm's way. Theo and I have been platonic companions since I was 12, and I would never, ever want anything bad to happen to him. I would be utterly devastated. Thus we had a frank discussion of the benefits and risks of Theo competing to be America's Next Top Model.

Theo is very dedicated to his craft, and insisted that it would be wrong to stop now before he can perfect his craft. I admire his bravery and love of his newfound work, and thus he will continue to bring his daring photo shoots to his adoring audiences. Still, I am glad that we had our heart-to-heart, and I wish him the best.

Do models get Worker's Comp?

2006-08-29T22:30:00.000-04:00

For some reason, it is considered very sexy for models to pose with extremely dangerous wild animals. Perhaps this is due to our cultural obsession with equating "dangerous" and "female sexuality". I am only speculating here.

At any rate, if Theo is to become America's Next Top Model, or any model of substantial fame and fortune, he must pose with dangerous beasts. As you can see, our practice session did not go very well. We thought it would be ironic, and yet extremely erotic, for Theo to enter the cage of a violent beast and pose looking fearful. Unfortunately, the evil beast did not get the memo, and charged poor Theo while defending his territory and/or seeking raisins, his favorite treat. That look of pure panic on Theo's face is no acting!

Lingerie series

2006-08-21T09:39:00.000-04:00

Part of being a model is being comfortable when asked to pose in underwear or other revealing outfits. Theo proved time and time again that he is more than up to the task when he modeled my underwear for CUSS multiple times in December 2005 and January 2006 to prove that thongs and g-strings are evil.Here, Theo looks demure in a pair of pink jockey bikini briefs.

Exotic in the Bronx

2006-08-18T10:04:00.000-04:00

At the Lourdes of America Shrine in the Bronx, Theo demonstrates his flexibility with indoor and outdoor, as well as scared and secular, photo shoots. The whole scene emits a bakcpacking-through-Europe flavor, does it not?

I am Bear. Hear Me Roar.

2006-08-16T14:35:00.000-04:00

Theo models the ridiculously scary near hat that I bought for Husband on my rrecent trip to Iowa on the ridiculously cute bear rug that Husband bought me for Hanukka '05.

I tried to inspire him the way that professional do with human models. "Give me fierce!" I called out to him. He did a very nice job, and proved that he is not insecure about his bearliness at all.

Disco Inferno

2006-08-13T23:46:00.000-04:00

Theo is HOT! in my red pleather dress from Ragstock in Iowa City. Rock it, baby!

We Dare the Other Contestants to Try This

2006-08-11T09:23:00.000-04:00

Very few, if any, contestants on American’s Next Top Model can pull off this tricky pose. We have no doubt that some of contestants are thin enough to fit in the overhead compartment, but the 5’7” height requirement makes it nearly impossible to for any of them fit into a carry-on suitcase in the overhead compartment. Touché. The producers should have thought about that when they made their silly height requirement.

The other special element of those photo op is the complex blend of emotions that Theo manages to portray at one time:

Sweet innocence (“I am a just a little stuffed bear peeking out of a suitcase in the overhead compartment of first class.”)

Vulnerability (“Help! I’m in a suitcase in the overhead compartment!”),

Joy at his good fortune (“I’m going on a trip in first class, even if it does mean in a suitcase in the overhead compartment of first class.”),

Hubris (“See what a dangerous stuffed bear I am? I am so dangerous that they must keep me trapped in a suitcase in an overhead compartment in first class lest I scare the other passengers with my handsome looks.”),

Seething anger (“What the fuck am I doing in a suitcase in an overhead compartment in first class?!?! I am better than this! I am America’s Next Top Model! Get me down right now, you bitch!”), and finally

Resignation at the situation (“While I may be America’s Next Top Model, I am still a mere stuffed bear. Sigh.”).

Can you imagine such modeling skills coming from the show?!? Theo is genius!

How Many Super Models Can Travel Like This?

2006-08-10T16:00:00.000-04:00

Theo is clearly one of the most stoic top models in America. Travel accommodations for his trip to glamorous and exotic Iowa were less than ideal for someone as important and fashionable as Theo: he was placed into my carry-on suitcase. While going through the second security check point of the morning, he was roughly manhandled by the TSA agent who opened my suitcase to inspect it. Yet he did not complain one bit about this low class option (although we were upgraded to first class, he was still stuck in the suitcase in on overhead bin and benefited little, if at all), illustrating that many of the “girls” on ANTM could learn a thing or two about classiness from an 18 year old stuffed bear.

(Photo to be added as soon as camera battery is re-charged. Grrrrr....)

Stay Tuned...

2006-08-07T14:40:00.000-04:00

Applications for America's Next Top Model are due by August 18. Since Theo has done such an excellent job modeling my underwear in the past year, I thought he'd make a great contender. Unfortunately, conditions #7 and #8 of the eligibility guidelines specifically note that "You must be female" and "You must be at least five feet and seven inches (5'7") in height. Theo is a sexless bear (although I call him male, there is no evidence other than his oozing masculinity) and is only 20.5 inches tall. (At least the guidelines do not require applicants to be human.) Fuckers! They do not know what they are missing out on.

Despite this little setback, Theo and I believe that he has what it takes to be America's Next Top Model, and we will prove it here. Stay tuned for new Theo photographs, travel to exotic locations (like Iowa City!), and the adventure of a lifetime.